Destructive and Constructive Conflict: What's the Difference?

You are in line for your morning coffee and someone cuts in front of you. What's your reaction?

Constructive example

A : Excuse me, I think you just cut in front of me.

B : Oh sorry, I had not seen you were in line. I'll go after you. My apologies.

Destructive example

A : How dare you cut in front of me? Go back to the end of the line and wait like everybody else.

B : How dare you talk to me like that? I'm not moving. You can go elsewhere if it makes you unhappy.

Sometimes we don't realize we are in a conflict because we think of conflict as being only destructive or negative.

This doesn't always have to be the case.

Destructive conflict can escalate quickly from a difference of opinion to a toxic situation, especially when behaviours include:

• Making emotional arguments and insisting others should listen to you because of your experience or credentials

• Treating questions and criticisms as personal attacks

• Rejecting others' viewpoints before you fully understand their position

• Mocking or ridiculing others' position

• Ignoring or dismissing others' ideas

• Disagreeing for the fun of a fight

• Refusing to reconsider your position

Constructive conflict comes from core behaviours that contribute to positive outcomes, like:

• Presenting evidence and reasons in support of ideas

• Accepting questions and criticisms of your ideas as good for the group

• Listening closely to others' view points

• Asking others to present evidence supporting their decision so that you can make a reasoned decision

• Building on others' ideas and suggestions

• Disagreeing in order to find the best solution

• Being willing to change your mind

The next time you find yourself in a discussion involving a difference of opinion, ask yourself these few questions:

Do I feel personally attacked or emotionally affected?

Does the person in front of me not really listen to what I say?

Are my own words and attitude inappropriate?

If your answer to any of these questions is yes, chances are that you are in a destructive conflict.

In this case, step back and refocus on the goal of your discussion. Becoming aware of destructive tendencies is the first step to breaking bad habits.